In 2009, Fake Is The New Real!

The 2009 Indian Premier League has provided some splendid entertainment. The cricket’s been top notch, the dancing girls were spectacular, and the ambience at the ground is one that only Australian grounds can rival. Hats off to South Africa for providing a far better IPL compared to last year.

It’s been a roller coaster ride for most teams as they went up and down the rankings as the tournament progressed. With just the final to go as I write this blog, no one could have imagined that last year’s bottom two teams would have made the cut, beating everyone else.

But if you ask me, probably the one distinguishing feature of IPL 2009 in my view has been the Fake IPL Player blog controversy. I first read about it in the newspapers at the start of IPL 2009, but didn’t bother to check it out until a few days ago. And when I did, I just couldn’t get enough of it!

Basically, the author claims to be an IPL player playing for the Kolkata Knight Riders (KKR). It isn’t known who exactly he is. One isn’t even sure if he’s actually a player. In his own words, he’s the “fly on the wall”, getting us the inside stories from the dressing room, pre- and post-match meetings, and even from the players’ bedrooms!

While I wouldn’t hazard a guess as to who it could be (especially after the FIP RIP video, see image below), I can surely say that never in recent memory have I come across any piece of writing that was so funny and intellectual at the same time! Mind you, this guy isn’t just extraordinarily proficient in the English language, he has a humor so sophisticated, a wit so incisive and a narrative style so engaging that the more you read, the more desperate you are for a little extra!

Fake IPL Player

And though nobody really has been spared, this bloke has reserved the best for a select few people, such as KKR owner Shah Rukh Khan, Coach John Buchanan, Ajit Agarkar and S Sreesanth whom he calls Vinnie Dildo, Bhookha Naan, Kaan Moolo and Appam Chutiya respectively.

Sample some of these gems from his blog (click here for a guide to the nicknames):

[On Yuvraj Singh at the IPL opening ceremony]
“Prince Charles of Patiala was cracking lewd and stupid jokes about the skimpily clad girls who were performing. And the fringe players in his team were laughing so loudly that I thought they will call off the ceremony because of that. Not that his jokes were funny. It’s just that you got to laugh at the boss’ jokes if you want to be in the side.”

[On Ishant Sharma, after John Buchanan got the pitch wrong]
“Little John was hopping mad at how the Coach hadn’t even done his homework and was misguiding us… he barged into the Coach’s room and let loose. I can only imagine Little John standing in front of our equally little Coach and screaming in his wierd, hoarse voice, “You tell new pitch. But it’s old pitch. How you tell how to do balling when you don’t know pitch.””

[On KKR coach John Buchanan]
“He has good memory though. He even remembers the number of times a batsman adjusts his crotch guard.”

[On Ajit Agarkar being dropped for KKR’s second match, first against Kings XI Punjab]
“Coachie was talking to Kaan Moolo… Overhearing them, I figured that Kaan Moolo has had his kaan moolo’d and is out of the playing 11. Coachie was explaining to him reasons for why he is being left out… Basically, all he needs to do is improve his bowling, batting and fielding. That’s it. And he’s back in the team. Little does Coachie know that the exact same words have been spoken by each of Kaan Moolo’s coaches since 1998… What makes Coachie think that at the ripe young age of 32, Kaan Moolo would finally turn over a new leaf.”

[On Agarkar again]
“There’s a secret fantasy I have. One day, I want to plug in my set top box into Kaan Moolo’s ass and see if his ears catch the Tata Sky signals.”

[On commentators trying to bed Mandira Bedi]
“Did you know that the commentary team has a few rounds of bets going on. One of the bets is on which commentator will end up bedding the Sandy Maddy Babe… They have all pooled in $200 each, and the one who ends up bedding her gets all the money.”

[On Ganguly, after KKR’s Super Over loss to Rajasthan Royals]
“Lordie appeared really pissed after the match. I mean, so pissed that we had to wear the crotch guard near him.”

[On Buchanan’s strategies]
“Bhookha Naan has come out with the best strategy of all. We won’t have a batting line up. Anyone should be prepared to walk in at any point in time. I am guessing, even Little John will have his crotch guard and helmet on right from the first ball itself.”

“Bhookha has his own theories derived from some complex mathematical calculations done on his laptop. And, given the results, I am quite convinced that he uses pirated Microsoft software.”

I am waiting for the day Bhookha blames global warming for our performance.”

[On Ishant Sharma]
“Little John’s been getting frantic phone calls from his Mom and he’s had to promise her that he will return to India “Ganga jaisa pavitra” (I couldn’t believe my ears myself but these ARE the exact words he used).”

[On Sreesanth]
“It’s amazing how each IPL season Appam seems to leapfrog a few stages of the evolution cycle. Last year, with just one tight slap he suddenly evolved from being an Ape to a Neanderthal. And the run-in with Re-Peter seems to have magically brought him to the Cave Man stage. If someone were to meet him for the first time today, he could almost mistake Appam to be a normal human being.”

“But look at the Bubblies. They have Appam Chutiya in the squad only to piss the opposition off. Imagine, you are all pumped up for the match, have worked out your strategies, and are looking forward to taking on the opposition. You reach the ground and the first sight is that of Appam Chutiya doing some strange break dance steps at the touch line. That’s enough to make every gut in your body cringe with revolt, enough to make every vein in your body burst open, and every muscle in your body react to the extreme pungency. And right then and there, you have lost the match without even a ball being bowled. Superb! Superb!”

“The single-biggest contribution of this blog to humanity has been the reformation of Appam Chutiya. For the last week or so, he has been at his best behaviour since the time he was punished in school for pissing on the plants.”

[On Arindam Ghosh’s accidental underwear exposure in the match against Delhi Daredevils]
“If dropping catches wasn’t embarassing enough, our young boy Bubaan not only dropped a catch, he also showed half the stadium behind us his white cotton ‘andar ki baat’ while doing so. Dildo is furious at this gross indecent exposure. He feels this one act of negligence has caused more harm to our reputation than all our defeats put together. What’s the point of spending so much money on designer jerseys if players wear their nadavalas under them?”

[After KKR’s 10th straight loss in the IPL]

“Skipper has floated the idea about dropping himself from the 11 and be replaced by Pussy… If skipper stands down, then he has suggested Lordie to take over the reins. If Lordie refuses then I think Chatterjee Kaku will have to be flown in.”

VIDEO: ‘Chatterjee Kaku’ is the old person who appears at the end

[On Shah Rukh Khan]
“When we left India, Dildo had asked us to do the impossible. He didn’t know that we’ll hear it as ‘win from impossible situations’ and ‘lose from impossible situations.'”

Mr. FIP, if you’re listening, you talked about writing a book in your video. Please, please, please do so! I am longing to hear from you again. And this time, I won’t be satiated by a single blog post.


1 Comment

  1. AnonymousAnonymous03-12-2010

    Good post !!! I am one of ur Cisco Colleague. [You dont know me though]. I would like to be anonymous as the FIP. I like ur mails to masala and your blog. continue the good work

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